click on words to navigate

Reading the previous posts that I have published on this blog makes me think that I have really changed the past year. Even the draft that I haven't updated or posted yet has told me about the April of the previous year, where I had already met up with M more often, where I had walked around with J, and where I had spent time with Singaporean Guy. It feels strange, as though I am a completely different person with new morals and values. I don't wish to buy things for myself. I still barely food properly. I hardly even view myself as an actual human being.

This year. Well, the beginning of this semester. This entire semester so far. There are so many things that have gone terribly wrong and I'm at a loss of action. I have four classes only this semester, the least amount I'm taking so far in my academic experience in college, and yet I feel as though I am still a middle school child, floating around. SWS had been ridiculous, learning high school and college level sciences through Mr. Gladden, and then Stuyvesant had been quite like medical school already. This sort of NYU college experience ought to be a joke to me, yet I'm still doing rather poorly? In classes/courses/levels that I should be doing rather well in, instead of barely scraping by. It's alarming and I somehow gathered up this immense amount of self-hatred and blasted it toward myself every few hours. How I look around every few hours and just wish I was dead.

But I'm not.

And so I have to keep trying to live somehow and make it worth it for my family and friends, to support them in any particular way that I can, and then get rid of myself somehow when everything's over.

Woke up this morning only being able to breathe through one nostril. Wondered why both didn't close up.

I had always wanted to be a doctor, someone who worked in the medical field, someone who worked in a hospital and helped people the best I can. Now I'm thinking of trying to be a writer somehow. What can I write about? I dunno. I've been thinking perhaps that sort of dystopian future from poc teens, from lgbtqqia teens, from mentally ill teens, from disabled teens, from teens that haven't been written about all that often before. I don't know how likely that's going to be a thing that flies to be fair. I'm three of some of them but I'm also holding specific characteristics. Barely know anything about the things I'm thinking about writing about yet I'm still hoping for an opportunity to-- no, really, who am I kidding? I can't do anything like this properly. I hardly know where to find out more information. Stories. Stories are things that kept me going. That bought me hope. Joy. Belief. Trying to get them all back again through mental health services. NYU Wellness threw me to Hamilton-Madison House, mostly due to my background and culture, but I'm so. Lost.

I had also actually skipped out on my Tuesday, when I had the environmental midterm presentation about an eco-hero (which the professor chose Theodore Roosevelt for me) and my ridiculous fucking Tuesday. The first day of the semester, I went into my Monday class of Chinese and walked out deliriously uplifted, thinking I'll make it through this semester and actually probably enjoy learning again. I had finished classes the next day at 9pm and walked toward the subway in tears, wondering if I could just die somewhere and perish prematurely.

D and I bought two Marvel snapbacks together-- she got an adorable Spider-man one and I got an adorable Deadpool one. We watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier yesterday at Regal 14 because last week, I... had a seizure? In the Kimmel Commuter Lounge and was sent to Beth Israel so plans got messed up. Was supposed to go to cousin's place and try to get life together there with him and his girlfriend, and watch the movie then but welp. Hospitalization for two nights.

Father's been giving me acupuncture since he doesn't really trust Western medicine so we're going to go with ~preventative Eastern medicine first. Drinking the really bitter herbal medicine again.

Yesterday was 2014's NYU Club Anime's CosCafe. The KDance group performed there and I went to cheer them on. Miss fucking around with them. Lots of new people though! :D

This summer is two courses though: one is Writers in New York (ayo!) Creative Nonfiction and the other is Introduction to Metropolitan Studies. The thing is, the environmental studies courses that I've taken so far in NYU just. Ain't my style? I guess? I really dislike them and I had really enjoyed that winter Metropolitan Studies course, but I also want to learn more about Asian/Pacific/American stuff. So thinking about majoring in Social and Cultural Analysis to combine metropolitan and A/P/A but then I'm like. Um. What jobs are there? Guess that's what supervisors and internship programs are for. :\

Trying to get my head together and actually do my work and ~learn~ stuff! Finish my readings! Etc.!

Oh yo! Ha, almost forgot, going to go NYU Shanghai this fall! Mad excited because a) China, b) Chinese, c) Shanghai, d) East Asian, and e) study abroad with people. :D