and you
shall
not
deny me
and all i ever wanted was the world
acutes. cal. mochi. 24. brooklyn, nyc; fuzhou, fujiang; seongbuk-gu, seoul. fast-walker; shit-talker.
[親愛的...] it's time to begin again
Thursday, July 3, 2014 @ 11:32 PM
I can't seem to find any sort of peace within myself. If the depressive-me were a person and reacted this way toward any of my friends, I would be so incredibly angry, to the point where I would physically put myself between depressive-me and friends because there would be no way in any sort of hell where I would allow this to happen. Yet I must live with myself and try so incredibly hard to think myself deserving of life and respect, and I keep wishing for something to happen. Or a someplace where I will not be like this, where I will be more likely to think of myself as a good, or decent, person, worthy of respect, worthy of life itself. I have so much trouble thinking good thoughts about myself, where I keep thinking that my friends and family deserve someone better than me as a family member or a friend. It's strange to even think I have friends, which makes me want to wince because I put in so much effort in trying to sort of maintain friendships and connections with people.
Doris says that people are friends with me because they see how amazing I am and at least I have a family? I'm just a little put off by it, I suppose. I can't seem to see myself as amazing and I think of myself as terrible at everything and unworthy of anything. And when it comes to family, I keep thinking that they deserve someone better than me, even though they now remind me of the good things that I've achieved.
I just. Still think they deserve better.
My seizures seem to have occurred twice today; 1) once when at David's place where I do not truly remember but my grandpa said I yelled out twice but after he ran into my bedroom at David's place, I switched a book from one hand to the other, tossed it onto the bed, and then began folding my sheets nicely but so together and calmly that my grandpa wasn't entirely sure if it was a seizure episode or not and 2) in middle of dinner where I yelled out twice and sort of stared off into the distance and was completely unaware of what I had done before acting incredibly tired and going to grandparents' bedroom bed to nap a bit.
Still incredibly excited for Shanghai because I'm still in love with the ideal of cities, the interactions that occur within cities, the relationships built, the changes made, but I'm also confused about what exactly I will be able to do later in life. What sort of job will I be able to do? Should I try to become a teacher? Should I try to get a job in service? Attempt to be a sort of writer? I can't be a writer; I'm honestly quite terrible at writing. What are plots? What does it mean to tell a story? With the release of grades, I don't think I'll ever be good at non-fiction. I couldn't stop crying after I found it and it was rather alarming.
While I don't really want to catch up on Suits, I want to read more fic about everything. The fics bring me a sort of content joy that I haven't really been able to find in other fandoms.
I also really want to listen to more happy music. :) Read happy fic. :) Eventually be happy. :)