I'm getting increasingly upset with my internship. With so few guidelines and so much to expect, I'm left foundering and trying to make things up as I go along. I received an email with an edit to a piece that I pulled up in around thirty minutes max about a Chinatown tour I did with some people in the organization and I was fucking bored out of my mind. There was nothing new. At all. I didn't give a fuck and was super irritated. As fuck. I was only happy that I was able to go to the conference meeting late and that I walked around Chinatown. Everything else, I honestly did not give a fuck about. The information that the tour guide gave us? I knew. I knew it all. How am I supposed to insert myself into this piece if they want something moving and I'm like I would rather stare at the blank wall because I think I would've gotten some inspiration at least. Or thought of good metaphors. I don't give a fuck about this fucking tour. 

Okay so I managed to transform my sadness into anger, hooray. 

Also I would like some acknowledgment at least when I try to keep up with friends. Like I understand that I'm a friend and you have your own lives to live and it shouldn't be catered around me (duh), but if you're going to give me the silent treatment, please just. Tell me or something? Be like I'll talk to you later. Or I don't want to talk right now. Like fucking hit me over the head and knock me out or something. Say something you think is mean, I don't mind, I'm not going to judge you and be like YOU ASSHOLE, TALK TO ME NOW, FUCK YOUR LIFE. So having silence hurts me a lot more than saying something you may thing is mean. Like. Do it. Maybe this is because I'm incredibly insecure so if you don't reply to me yet you reply to others and carry on conversations, I'm going to feel like... Well I'm going to feel bad. And this is on me, to be fair. It seems like I don't have enough faith in the ~strength~ of our friendship. However, when I do see something that I think is one-sided with a lot of effort from me to keep up with you and you... none... and that the effect of that is placing me in a negative headspace and killing my sense of self-worth, it's hurtful. 

So update on academics. I'm doing really poorly. My environmental professor asked to see me to discuss my midterm results because I fucked up. Friends got me questioning why I'm doing a particular topic for my final project for my Kpop class and I'm losing lots of confidence. There are the internship papers coming up and project proposals and papers and they're all due before break starts (before the end of the week), and it's really stressful. Instead of flipping out though, I've been dealing with it in a more ~IDGAF~ way. Which. Yeah.

Applied for the fellowship, program, and Shanghai. If I don't get the fellowship, going to look for internships. If I can't find, summer courses. If I get into program, I can't Shanghai. If I don't get into program, Shanghai.

I thought of doing this diet/exercise thing. Intensive one. I need to stop going extremes but... I can... try...

Started watching Haikyuu!! Started getting into VIXX because of N but I'm not gonna get into fandom anytime soon. I just want to read all the fic for N. There's just... no... good... fic.............

................ laughs hollowly 

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