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I emailed my Environmental Professor about wanting to take a final exam instead of writing a 15-20 page research proposal because there is so much shit going on in my life right now that I simply don't have the time and energy to devote myself into researching solid waste management in NYU. I can't. I don't have the time. I don't have the time to even sleep properly and part of it may be due to myself. I can't seem to function properly at the same capacity and I'm having headaches and pains all over my body. My skin is a mess like usual, my eyes keep hurting a lot, my legs are sore, my head hurts a lot, and I'm having a lot of anxiety. I think I'm having a lot of panic/anxiety attacks, but I can't tell for sure. I don't know. I may have dissociated in classes a lot but I still can't tell what dissociation is like. This internship is ridiculous and I'm unhappy with it. The lack of communication is really irritating, but perhaps I'm emailing the wrong people. The wrong people though. The supervisor of the interns? Really? Am I really emailing the wrong person? How much are they getting paid?

In the internship class, I learned that non-profit organizations are really... gross still. Like NYU and Columbia and all these higher education universities are all considered to be non-profits and tax-exempt, but they all still have salaries that they have. Ha. Hahaha.

But her response was so incredibly passive-aggressive at first and I nearly flipped a shit in the internship. At least I'm fired up again but I'm so unhappy at the same time.

It's very lonely right now. I'm in tears at the internship but I don't want them to notice. I don't want to do any of this. I want to relax for a bit. I want to get out of here.

I keep thinking and telling myself that yes, I am loved. Yes, there are people out there who love me. Yes, there are people who care. Yes, there are people who will be affected if I die.

But dying keeps feeling like a good choice. It keeps me feeling that I will finally be able to achieve something that I want. And that's rest. Rest for good, rest forever.

I want to be selfish. I want to be uncaring and end my life and not care. I want to not think about how others will feel and how others will react. I want to stop thinking.