click on words to navigate

When you're depressed and suicidal and think of death a lot, there's always the last bits of sanity that stay with you when you're thinking of Death with the capital D. Because then, it becomes something much more concrete somehow, much more real. You can wonder if you will walk towards it, head held high, chin up, or if you'll run towards it instead, arms out flailing and trying to get into its embrace as soon as possible. I can't tell which one I am yet. Maybe there's something blocking me again. Maybe it's the crossroads that go with me, moving so whenever I take a step, it goes along with me and forces me to remember it, to choose. I can keep walking and try to ignore it, which is what I've been doing, or maybe I actually am choosing a road to walk down on now.

The sunlight was windy today. Just as it was yesterday, smacking into my face repeatedly until my hair covered my eyes and I tried to find my steps through throes of black and golden light. I wish I tripped somewhere and never got up. I wish I was able to move past this again, to find ways to do things again that won't be able to drag me down.

You talk to people a lot. You try to be honest and caring, to do the right things.

Whenever you get sad, really sad, really, really, really sad, you think of the same things-- that the world is beautiful, that life is beautiful, that there are things worth living for. And there are times that these thoughts work. There are times where thinking works in a way that keeps you going-- you think of the depths of the universe, stars that you will never be able to see, the birth of life in places further that you can ever dream of, the way colors force their way into your sight.

But other times, you still want to die. There is little preventing you from wanting to die. You want to die and die and die, to stop living, stop breathing, stop doing anything, to take everything away from what you have to do. No more obligations, no more stress, no more things that make you want to fall and never get up. Because you won't have to give up. There won't be anything to give up. You'll just be nothing.

That's all you'll ever be anyway.