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I have not yet managed to get a stable "legitimate" job, but I am now working as a dental assistant and yesterday, the dentist accidentally shoved an implant into a patient's sinus.

BTS came back and this performance is completely adorable.

I don't have many thoughts nowadays. My mind is usually so focused on the present and future, too focused on fleeting friendships, on broken ones, on one-sided ones where I put in too much effort and receive seemingly little in return. I ask for consideration yet I can't tell if I am being emotionally abusive. I don't wish to be, but my fear is large and I refuse to keep seeking ways to communicate when I have said all I wanted.

I am tired of the real life and tired in general, as always.

My grandparents on my father's side both died recently. Grandmother died first--I saw her before she closed her eyes and I cried at her funeral. I cried less at Grandfather's funeral, but I visited him just a day or two before he died with his mouth still open, probably gasping for a breathe out of his reach.

I look back upon my own life and see little to preserve, little to cherish. I love my family dearly, as I am programmed to, but also as I have allowed myself to. I have moved back to my family's home, as my cousin and his girlfriend moved into their new home with the two dogs, Porky and Ely.

Still using League as a way to escape, still wanting to write and unable to, still hoping that something better will come, that something can reawaken me, my inspiration, and my hopes. But what, truly, do hopes matter in this world?

My skin has gotten better. There is a little goldfish living in my basement. I spent a pretty penny on buying a tank, but it hasn't arrived it yet. My mother's parents went back to China.

My brother is now going to a military school upstate--where Trump apparently went to before too. The previous principal of Stuy went up there too. I don't want to think about it too much.

I'm taking depression medication but I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.

Waiting for flight deals from New York to Seoul, but it seems so unlikely. I wish that friends are more proactive, more decisive, more firm on their stances. I try to think that I am slightly older, so perhaps I have more experience, but they are not that far behind. I am so utterly tired of them too.

I have sort of come up with a thesis project on Asian Americans and hip hop, and anti-blackness. I don't know what I can do with it. I don't know what I can do in the future. It is startling that I will be out of this education system and searching for opportunities that will not come. I am tired.

I am always so very tired.