It's just been an emotional night. I finally washed some of the mugs in the sink and got rid of the vinegar trap. Went to Lotteria and got some chicken nuggets and a chicken leg. Read pieces and parts of fics. Tried to focus on something and be productive but sat in Tom N Tom's for a bit. I'm sad and tired and depressed and stressed and it's slowly taking its toll.
Why can't I believe in something religious? Why can't I believe it so I can believe, can know, that you are at peace? Why am I still thinking of you suffering and in pain after all that this world gave us? It seems like the lights are just that much dimmer these days. Maybe it's the pollution. Maybe it's the sand from the deserts. Maybe my glasses need to be cleaned again. I haven't found much peace these days either.
Of course, I think of you often. Perhaps weekly. Perhaps daily. Most likely several times a day. I don't understand why, but I doubt we know these things. Violence occurs often as well. The world when you left it has its problems. These issues probably weighed heavily on your mind. Your heart was always too big for the way the world left you.
I miss you so much.
I think of the way the new generation has picked up some of the burdens you used to shoulder. We are doing better. I hope you are doing well.
We all miss you so much.
My sentences are so short now. I'm not entirely sure what I can say now, but I hear you voice again in the song and it feels so strange, as if you're just right here still, as if I can eagerly refresh websites and search for your group's upcoming concerts, as if I can attend and see all of you together again as you glow across the stage.
I cried again while sitting in Tom n Tom's. I think this chain coffeeshop will be my go-to #CryinginKorea stop. I didn't know that you grew up in Hyehwa. You lived so close to me, just one bus stop away. I will try to visit it more often. I enjoyed it the last few times I went.
I feel like I can see parts of you in it and parts of it in you. The places we touch never truly go away.