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How has it been a year already?

On my way to Kimmel, I saw a small starling murmuration while waiting for the D train to come. The lights of the train were brighter than I expected, but I had just recently watched a lovely video of a starling murmuration the day before so it was nice to see it in person. The sky was cloudy today and I stayed at home most of the day. I hurt the right side of my neck so I'm in a bit of pain and can't turn my head to the side very well.

I was feeling insecure and hurt this morning. I woke up and turned on my phone and started crying within three minutes of opening my eyes. I had a weird sort of call where someone recruiting for a charter school wanted me to apply to be an associate teacher. The pay seems to be worse than a public school teacher but I can't really tell anymore with money and benefits and everything else that's going around in circles.

I miss you.

I feel guilty because I think of you a lot more than I think of my grandparents, who had died as well, but I think part of it is that they died in pain. And you chose your ending. I think I romanticize you a lot and I romanticize it to a point where I'm projecting onto you.

I know it's unhealthy and I have no one to talk to anymore. I don't see the friends I usually see in Korea. The friends I have here have abandoned me. Again.

And I think I need to stop putting so much into my friendships. The thing with friendships for me is that once I have you as a welcome and close friend, I would truly be ready to die for you because I hate myself so much and value my own life much less than others. Maybe it has something to do with self-confidence. Maybe it has something to do with how much I don't want to be alive.

I found Vinxen at a good time. I don't know what drew me to him but the performance of Barcode really won me over. I appreciate his performance with Woo Won Jae as well.


I'm sad a lot. My father was upset and thought I wasn't doing anything but playing games at home, which, I mean, he's not entirely wrong. Then I had the informational call and he told me he was proud and I got so unbelievably upset. Why was he proud of this tiny accomplishment, for an informational call that I didn't even want? Why couldn't he have told me that it would have been completely fine for me to stay in Korea another year? I guess I just don't know what to feel anymore. I have too many emotions that come up too quickly for me to understand anymore, particularly after the fact that I've shoved down and compartmentalized them to ignore them for as long as possible. Is this a side effect of doing this for so long?

While walking to Kimmel, there were a few girls who kept laughing and I just grew more and more bitter with every step. I think this is the theme for 2018. Bitterness. I feel like I did grow but I feel like I'm leaving people behind as a result. I don't feel connected to any of my friends and I don't feel like I should be alive just as much. The past year has been one of the best years for me suicidal ideation-wise, but I have a growing pit of resentment and bitterness festering.

I'm not sure how to get rid of it and I want to see my old therapist again. I don't know. I don't have the insurance. I think once I get a job with some sort of other insurance aside from my mother's unionized one (which lo and behold, no one in this trash system accepts), then I'm going to try to go back. He won't be able to see me since he got promoted but I trust him enough to have me find someone else to see. I'll take the medication again. I'll try to move out of my home. I'll try to cater to a life I think I should to deserve to live and work on that self-esteem/self-image issue. I'll try and try but nothing I do will bring you back.

Xinhua has an open position in Beijing that I'm eyeing. I would prefer to be in southern China or Seoul again to be honest, but I'll take what I can get. I'll at least be in the same country, and perhaps... Kelley will go too? I'm just confused and afraid all the time and it's not a good feeling obviously. I feel behind and stupid and like I'm going absolutely nowhere.

The path to a PhD is fucking awful. The problem is that I think I would love to do a PhD. I feel like I fit well in academia, even if my mind is likely to go down the goddamn gutter and get stomped into bits.

I want to do a PhD. I do want to study the connections between African and Asian countries. I do want to do community work and organizing and activism, but I am stuck in this haze of depression and disbelief. Will being a PhD candidate even help me get some sort of health insurance? How would I get my medications? Would I be able to see a therapist as well? How would I deal with housing and transportation? I can't drive.

I just. Want everything to end. Put it on pause at the very least.

I feel very lonely.